What happens when you take a girl who’s pretty much afraid of her own shadow, and you throw her out of a plane. You get a girl who is still pretty much afraid of her own shadow but can say, hey I skydived. These past couple of months have been the most exciting whirlwind of a ride, with the highest of the highs and lowest of the lows. Soul searching, sky diving, and giving up on vodka for good. The last I wrote my boyfriend Brian was taking me on some white knuckling times, and I was coming to terms with just letting go. Holding on to dear life as our boat crashed through the waves, and holding on to dear life not to loose my mind. We have since left the beautiful islands of the Bahamas and have cruised our way to Charleston, South Carolina. Not too long ago I thought I thought I would never live anywhere but Massachusetts, but here I find myself bopping all over the east coast, tropical islands included. Living everywhere and doing things that seemed beyond my reach. Working on a boat and growing up on the water my whole life, you would think that I am some kind of water bunny. Swims through the water with ease. Not the case. Pretty much was deathly afraid of water and what laid beneath. Always so envious of those Instagram girls free diving with great whites with a big smile on their face. I want so badly to be Brian’s partner. Someone who can match him in his sense of adventure. Now let me remind you my sense of adventure before was trying new mascara at Sephora or dying my own roots with a box color from CVS. Riveting. But here I am now living on a yacht and running it as my career. Endless opportunities for adventure if one is brave enough. Paddle boards, kayaks, scuba gear right on board. No excuses. Except I was afraid. What if I am paddle boarding and a shark senses me and knows I am italian and super delicious. What if i am kayaking and we flip and I am stuck in my seat and drown right then and there. These are the ridiculous thoughts that run through my cautious head. I can talk a big game. I can say I am down for anything. Yet in all the months we were in the Bahamas, the “fear” kept me boat based with feet on the ground. That is until we were anchored out in the Bahamas, during one of our trips, off the remote islands of the Staniel cay. The water was beyond crystal clear, sun beaming brightly in the tropical sky, and the guest were relishing the fun of jumping off the boat. A shrill cry went up from one of the guest as one of the young children fearlessly leaped off the swim platform on to what appeared to be a shark right underneath them. All I could think was ok, swimming is done, sharks are in the water. Until the adult that was snorkeling with the kids enthusiastically dove underneath to inspect what kind of shark. He came back up without a care in the world because who cares, its just a nurse shark. My heart was pounding. Just a nurse shark you say! Shark is a shark is a shark people. Haven’t you seen Jaws! Then the next thing i know the other children are grabbing their snorkeling masks and flinging their little bodies into the water to get a better look at this shark. Like it was a puppy in the pet store and they were all dying to hold it next. At that moment, that exact moment, I knew. I had no more excuses for staying aboard. If these kids are doing it, then why am I so chicken shit. I think Brian could sense the vibrations of my body, a vibration of excitement and now or never feeling. He knew it wouldn’t be best for me, and probably for the shark (have you ever seen someone try to karate chop a fish underwater, I have. Because that person was me) to just jump right off the back of the boat, so with permission from our amazing boss we took the jet ski over to a remote island where I could take my time with putting my face under the water. Inch by inch I waded myself into the ocean, acknowledging how bewitching this dream like water was, all the while being on stand by if orca the killer whale decided now was a good time to drop by the islands. Brian was the pillar of what a good instructor was. Showing me how to use my mask, adjusting the straps and fixing the snorkel. As I trek in to the point where its time to start to swim, I transmit myself into a state of meditation and I snorkel. Now this may not be a big thing for those of you who have been water bums in your life, but for me it was life changing. To see the world from a whole new perspective was intoxicating. When your under the water everything is so quiet and calm. Your body feels light and your mind feels high. Of course my crazy imagination instantly took me to a place where i was picturing myself as the little mermaid. Before I knew it i was swimming down deep just to brush my fingers along the sand. Twirling back up to the surface with a flip of my fin. With the smiles from Brian as encouragement and thumbs up, we went deeper and further. I never wanted it to end. The vanity in me wished i had a camera so i could see document myself and add a filter, but then i thought how rewarding to just be in this moment and cherish it forever. As we packed back on to the jet ski to head back to Tranquility, I was reminded once more on how lucky I am to be where I was. The scene was like out of movie cruising back, because we are literally surrounded by paradise in this remote location. As we arrived back to our boat I was delighted with the sight of everyone in the water, including all the crew. It meant more time to snorkel and at this point i just wanted this high feeling to continue. My other crew member amy had been trying to get me in the water for months and I couldn’t wait to play with her in the water now. I was well aware that there were many nurse sharks just below all of us, but instead of feeling a sense of panic and trepidation, I now couldn’t wait to swim right next to them. Get eye to eye and say hello. Hey guys! And boy did I. Up and down, side to side, we swam with these beautiful creatures like we were old friends from way back. It was one of those days that would turn out to be one of the best days of my life. The following days included snorkeling in the James Bond cove where I danced with schools of fish, reef diving in the Abacos where i encountered my first barracuda and realized I had quite the affinity for them, and jet ski drift snorkeling in the keys and I floated over the biggest sting ray I have ever seen (RIP Steve Irwin). I must admit sometimes my thoughts drifted to, how do I look in this bikini, is my mascara running down my face, and wouldn’t it be cool to come upon a treasure chest.As the days tick on and I learn all about the different facets that are Meshel, I still struggle to let go all the way, and its a completely different kind of fear that I must face. The fear of allowing myself to be happy and not destroying it with my devious brain. Always thinking. Always questioning. My mind is a constant movie of what I think happens and what reality is and its like a 15 minute delay for myself to catch up. Ive tasted such happiness that i anguish not to loose it. Inadvertently pushing it to the brink to really make sure its real. Its a constant mind over matter isn’t it? We are all just testing ourselves and those that are the happiest and at the top are the ones who can focus their minds and choose to be happy. If I can get in the water with sharks and fling myself from a plane, can I break the bad habit of fighting and emotional roller coasters. Mind over matter with these fears smears.