Do I stay or do I go now….

Today was my last day at my store. Tomorrow begins the next chapter in my life. How am I feeling at this exact moment? Monumentally confused. Brian and I have always talked about this moment for pretty much the whole time we have been dating, and I always assumed that I would be filled with a dubious amount of excitement. I had given my 2 weeks, tied up all my loose ends, and was packed to the max. I am doing a complete 180 with my life and the not knowing whats next is a bit crippling. As I drove my normal route home from work, the one that I have driven 5 to 6 days a week for the past 4 years, it dawned on me that this was the last time. It was so surreal. Giving my 2 weeks was a story within itself, because I don’t work in your normal atmosphere where work is work, and personal life is your own. My store, my staff, my boss, were all very much in my life. The people I work with, I see more than my own friends and family. So they have in turn become my friends and family. Having to tell them all I was leaving was harder than I thought it would be, but definitely not harder than having to tell my boss. I drove into work 2 weeks ago gripping the steering wheel so tight, trying to just simply breath in and out. This would be the first step in making the dream come true. It would be saying goodbye to the past. In all of my big talk of being spontaneous , I all of a sudden was desperate to hold onto my routine. Am I making a mistake? What if I put my 2 weeks in and this all falls through? I would be so embarrassed to have to come and beg for my job back. But time to think was not a luxury I had. Not anymore. For all the time we have talked about me running away with Brian, I honestly never really wanted to think about it and make real decisions. I just wanted to live in this happy dream of a what if future, and continue to go to work and cuddle with Jenni on the couch. But Brian put his money where his mouth was and got me a job. And it was now or never. So there I was, driving into work, barely blinking an eye lash I was so nervous, knowing that now was the time to make the definitive decision. And I was going dammit. My boss could tell from the moment I walked through the door that something was up, but he just continued through the day like normal until finally he asked “whats up with you today?” I simply replied, “I have to tell you something, and your not gonna like it”. After finally confessing to him that this new life for me was in the works, which meant me leaving his team, you would think the pressure and stress would be off of me. Hard part is over. Nope. Over the next 2 weeks my life has been a roller-coaster of uncontrollable emotion. There are many mixed opinions on my decision to do this, and lucky for me no one seems to have a problem of stating their 2 cense. With the love and support also came the negative and wary. Both sides come from a place of good intentions and only wanting to see me do well, but both sides have wore on my heavy. I feel as if I have a huge weight on my shoulder and its hard for me to sift through whats my own personal feelings or what people keep drilling into my head. Do I stay or do I go? Will I be happy in this new environment? How am i going to do outside of my own comfort zone? Will I be able to do my makeup everyday and look cute? These are the thoughts that are constantly replaying in my mind. Along with a million others. My boss was one of the people who made this easy for me, but in the same breath made this decision extremely hard. In a gesture of good faith and a hoping I would hate this move and be back home before the week was over, he was allowing me to take my vacation time instead of giving my official two weeks. If I got down there and decided I hate it, I could just come home and walk back into my old life. If I loved it he would then take my 2 weeks and I would part ways with my company. But this gift came with a price tag, and the cost was his constant questioning of what I was doing. He made it clear that he did not think this was a good idea and I was making a huge mistake. Every shift with him, for the past 2 weeks, has brought me to the opposite end of the excitement spectrum. I would leave work feeling depressed and confused, am I making a mistake? He put these thoughts in my head and it would take my nightly phone call from Brian to talk me back down to earth. That this whole experience was going to be a joy and I wasn’t being dragged to jail. Brian was playing the role of the super excited and supportive boyfriend and he was being wonderful. It is because of him I am getting on that plane tomorrow. He didn’t fail me once these past 2 weeks, and even when I was an emotional monster who sobbed into the phone for an hour, he kept positive and strong for the both of us. And boy did he have to be strong, for it wasn’t just Jim who wasn’t super stoked on me taking off, the other love of my life was grappling with the idea of not having me by her side anymore, Jenni. It was like Brian was robbing me from everyones life. Jenni and I, our lives are so intertwined. Best friends, roommates, and we worked together 2 days out of the week. And when we weren’t together we were are constantly texting each other funny emojis or memes from our favorite shows. Our tv time is my favorite time, and we magically are obsessed with the same shows. We have our rituals on certain nights and it is something I truly look forward to. And don’t get me started on our sundays, wether its 10 hours of Orange is the new black, or all day barbecues with Game of Thrones to follow, we have good times, all in our home. Its comfort and its fun. And now with all our favorite tv shows season right around the corner, I was taking off. Jenni knows me best, and it concerns me that she doesn’t want me to go because if she doesn’t think its gonna work then there is a good chance its not going to work. Up until 2 weeks ago I didn’t even want to talk to jenni about the possibility of me leaving because I just didn’t want to think of a time in the future of not being in this home, but now it was something we were forced to talk about. And it wasn’t easy. She came from a place of love. But it put me in a place of terror. Is this going to work. Do I stay or do I go?So to catch you up to speed, the two people i see most in my life, well they did not want me to go. It doesn’t put a good feeling in your gut. Lucky for me the person who’s opinion that mattered the most to me was a ray of sunshine and encouraged me to go. My mother. Her daily messages of “live your life” and “what do you have to lose?” kept me going through the hard days. And made me finalize my decision that this was something that I must try. What did I have to loose? Once again to remind you, I have no house, no lease, no kid, not a thing tying me to where I am except the relationships I have with the people around me. It was the universe I had to believe giving me push to this path. I have always been that person who said her dream was to travel and I was constantly liking those pictures on Instagram of the guy in a business suit on the beach with the tag line, “quit your job, buy a ticket, live your life”. And now here is my chance to do something fun and exciting with my life. I had to believe the universe brought me to Brian so that I could see this journey through. Today was my last day as a jeweler, tomorrow I will be a stewardess/nanny on a yacht in the Bahamas.