For the captain, wherever you are, if it weren’t for you, it would have all been just a dream.
                               

 “O captain! My captain!
                             

   Our fearful trip is done
                                

The ship has weather’d every rack
                                

The prize we sought is won”

        

                     

    As I stare at my huge pink suitcase and trash bags filled with my various belongings from the journey that I have just been on, I realize that the actual act of unpacking is a symbol of finality and the end of something.To unpack and come home. To finally close a chapter in hopes of beginning something new. Each piece of clothing I put away stirs up an array of emotions that I cherish, but now lock away.
        

                       

  There are things that I should simply throw away. I’ll never have use for them again. Like my ripped jean shorts that I bought from target for $11. They are white washed and way too big for me, but my favorite pair of shorts to clean the boat in. They will always remind me of the hot Bahama days that would start early. I’d  just roll out of bed, throw on my tattered jeans and favorite marvel T-shirt,  sans makeup and lucky to brush my teeth before noon. But alas, my most comfortable uniform to be in. Most days you would see me scurrying about the boat, headphones in my ears and The Office on Netflix in my pocket. Loads of laundry in my arms and smile on my face. I didn’t care that there were garish holes and bleach stains all over. In the Bahamas,  if guest weren’t on board, comfort was key. These were the shorts that witnessed me youtube everything I needed to know about boat life, such as,how to iron a shirt or fold a fitted sheet. All of my long days spent trying to look busy but really just hiding in my nooks around the boat. The same shorts that I have worn to catch lines when docking or checking the oil in the engine room. Running around after him making sure he has everything he needs. The trips in the cabs to the Bahamian Whole Foods to stock up for the week. The day to day shorts that I will forever love. I should have thrown these away many seasons ago, but instead I shall tuck them deep inside my new drawers and wonder if they will ever see the light of day again.
       

                    

     I sigh with sadness at my favorite black loose Roxy dress. It is open in the back and cuts deeply down the sides. I would omit wearing a bra with my favorite dress and in fact had it in pink and floral as well. But black was my favorite. In the hot Bahamian sun or sweltering Charleston heat, the less you have to put on the better. I would always feel like some sort of princess on a lavish ship buzzing around with my Grecian flowing dress. So many long days on the ocean having the time of my life. Tanning my skin and sipping my drink. Having the best dance parties with my boys. Then we would come back to yacht T and shower up, I’d slip on my favorite black dress, and see where the night would take us.
       

                  

  The dress that I find myself blindly running my fingers through, feeling its material and picking at its detailed buttons, is one that I found in downtown Charleston’s H&M. King street was always my favorite place to shop, brunch, bike, and simply be. I never knew I could love a place as much as I loved Charleston, and this dress uniformly defines my feelings for this time in my life. It was one of those dresses that just spoke to me from the racks. It called my name and i seemingly floated to it, and before I knew it was marveling at its perfect fit in the dressing room. No dress had ever fit me so perfectly. It was elegance dressed in chiffon with my signature floral patterns. Anyone who knows me, knows that floral is a staple in my everyday wardrobe that makes me feel feminine, even when I am working on a boat with all men and no glamour. This is the dress that you see me wearing in so many pictures with him, happy and smiling at some event. Both of us all dolled up and ready to be the gracious duo we put on to be. This dress has seen the decadent wineries of Napa Valley to the infamous New Years party at Staniel Cay, Bahamas. We were lucky. I was lucky. Being the captain’s girl I managed to have captains’ privileges, like attending fabulous parties as a guest on the boat would. Mingling with people like they are old friends, which in the end my guests were more than friends, they became my extended family. I loved all of them and will always be grateful for every event I was able to attend in my long, flowing, chiffon floral H&M dress. My go to dress to feel elegant and not like the help. I hang it up in the back of my closet because I know I won’t be wearing that dress any time soon.
        

                  

    My pink, green,and blue Moschino shorts. They will always remind me of the actual work that I have been doing these past couple of years; the glorious privilege of running the interior of a 130ft yacht. It was like running a small hotel on the water. I was in charge of everything from the making of the beds to the elaborate table settings put on each night. My work ethic was on point and once I adjusted to this new lifestyle, I took pride in being the only stewardess on this size vessel, when normally there would be 2 or 3. There wasn’t a nook or cranny on that boat that I didn’t knowEvery room, every drawer, and all 13 toilettes. I had that boat under my thumb.It was like being a display coordinator at Homegoods. So many different ways to fold a towel and fluff a pillow, every color of the rainbow in napkins, beads, place mats, and napkin holders. It was a Martha Stewart dream. It became all up to me to coordinate themes and candles, special events and holidays. Vases and flowers were a new thrill to play with and the look on my guest face when they walked onto the boat to see new arrangements exhibited a creative side of me I never knew existed. I look at my formal shorts and remember the early mornings where I’d roll out of bed and put my white or blue work shirt on and get the day going. I was accustomed to usually being the first one up when guests were on board and that was always my favorite time of the day. All of yacht T would be soundly asleep underneath my feet. Guests in every room with some even crashing on the couch. I would tip toe around and get the coffee going while strategically pulling items for that morning’s breakfast service. These shorts have seen more Bahamian sunrises then I could count. The mornings being out at anchor, when the ocean is so still and water so clear, one almost forgets your not on vacation but instead at work. Puttering around waiting for the boys to appear in the great windows shamming away the nights mist and starting their morning checklist. These were my nice shorts that weren’t destroyed from bleach or grease. I usually paired them with my T baseball cap or fun head bands. It’s hard to maintain a level of fabulous when your sweating to death and working 16 hours, but I always managed to accessorize. These shorts kept me going through the long days out at anchor in the Exumas. The longest days were usually calculated by how many meals, appetizers, and snacks that were planned. Being out at anchor is hard for most to imagine, but just think of being minutes away from a deserted island on a luxury yacht, usually another luxury yacht or 2 in sight, but a feeling of island life. Guest loved to be at anchor to enjoy the swimming, snorkeling, jet skiing, and paddle-boarding. Or maybe they just wanted to nap in the sun all day. They didn’t have to do more than just nod to have their favorite drink in hand or snack at their disposal. These days were usually, in my opinion, the best for the guys. Imagine your job is to entertain by taking the guest on a jet ski ride or showing them the best coral to snorkel. At first I was a bit bitter about these long anchor days because most of the burden fell onto my shoulders. They would get to fish and I would get to clean up mess and make beds. But the more I did it, the more I enjoyed it. One day it hit me that I was not the one on vacation, and if I had to do dishes at least I had a galley window to look out on and gaze at nothing but crystal clear water next to white sand beaches. These are things that I would see out my galley window in my work shorts. The occasional spotted eagle ray, fin of a shark, endless amounts of pods of dolphins, and prehistoric looking pelicans to name just a few. It was like a daily inspirational Instagram page, everyday live right in front of me. 
       

                       

    To pack away all of my lovely day to day dresses, is like throwing away ones favorite blanket, just sad. I’ve never been a jeans kind of a girl. I am either dressed like a rag a muffin, work attire, or in one of my wonderful dresses. I used to pick out some dresses and relish in the fact that most ladies don’t have the balls or the body to rock them, but I did. Always a risk taker in fashion, I’d wear bright colors, risky cuts, and even dye my hair whatever color I could, all because I knew I could pull it off. And I knew he loved it. He loved to show me off and there was nothing that made me happier when he had the genuine look of awe in his face when he would come tumbling into our room to retrieve me for our night out. When he told me I looked beautiful, I believed him, because he certainly didn’t throw compliments around. He appreciated my sense of style and never tried to dull my shine. But boy did he love when I stripped away the makeup, fancy dresses, and diamonds and was just plain old me. I had never been with someone who sincerely looked upon my naked face, ripped jeans and muscle tees with a look of pure adoration. When you work, live, and hang out with the same people, including your boyfriend, they are bound to see you in every aspect of your life, the good, the bad, and the plain ugly. There were so many mornings when I would look at my freckled face and unwashed hair and think yuck, but there was never a day when I saw that sentiment about me in his face. The truth is I didn’t get myself all dolled up for him. I did love to be his babe, but I just honestly loved makeup. I am a product girl. I would spend hours on snapchat and Instagram watching makeup tutorials. My favorite nights were after a long day of busting around the boat, the boys would take off to play a game of disc golf, and I would sit in our queen size bed in our captain’s cabin. All of my makeup sorted out in front of me and a glass of wine in my hand. The usual monthly Sephora package just unpacked next to me, and I would spend as much time as I wanted with my face and perfecting every lash I could. I would take my sweet time until I could hear the thunder of feet plowing down our crew mess stairs. I could always tell when the boys were home way before I even saw them from the pure vibrations of their heavy feet. With our cabin being right off the galley, I could always get a sense of what was going on in the boat without ever leaving my room. My dresses will always remind me of long days biking in Charleston, Dune Buggyingin the Bahamas, and scooting around Fort Lauderdale. These dresses saw all the weekends away and date nights out.
        

        

   The outfits that I unpack and giggle at the most are the ones I hope to never wear again. My strip club outfits, my party attire, my girl’s night out. When your skin is tan and the weather is warm, what else can you really wear but short skirts and cute shirts. I loved rocking my curves and at some point in my journey I was the thinnest I’ve ever been, and as hungry as I think I was, I thought I looked fantastic. I loved my sexy clothes, but these are clothes that have no reason to be in Massachusetts. They are island and southern clothes. I tuck them away in my bottom drawer knowing that these were my work hard, party harder clothes. Some pieces hurt the most because they remind me of the days I will never have again with the friends who were my brothers. Only they will understand the ache I feel to think that I will never have an after guest leaving day. Tips fresh in our pockets and usually coming off of a 10 day nonstop work trip, it was the time to play. Whether we were in the Bahamas, Charleston, Fort Lauderdale, St. Augustine, Palm Beach or Wilmington, we knew how to let loose. These outfits are filled with the secrets that we all promised to keep till the graves, and those who were lucky enough to partake in our festivities will know, these are memories that last a life time.
     

                  

    As I tuck alway all my memories, I am left with the only things I can see myself incorporating into my new life, my comfy clothes that transcend anywhere. Every time I put on my sweats and tees, I will smile and be comforted in my most favorite memory of all, the times that I was truly at bliss. When me and the boys were at home just relaxing with nothing to do and nowhere to go.This was usually a rare occasion due to the captains need to always be doing something. The days that we did take to recover from a binge or a trip, were the ones I felt truly like myself, in my naked skin and gross PJs. These were the most handsome men you could imagine, but being around them was like being around air. I didn’t care what I looked like because after living with these people for years, I didn’t care if I looked like a bag of dirt. We were a squad and I felt loved.
      

            

                    I rejoice in the items that I unpack and haven’t enjoyed since being away. My over-the-kneeboots, thigh high socks, faux fur jacket, and sweater dresses, and I am hopeful for my future. To have the time of your life, at someone else’s dime, with the love of your life, and the best friends one could imagine, each memory is like a winning lotto ticket. These years with Yacht T and my captain gave me not only an adventure to tell, but many learning lessons as well. I’ve battled mental health and substance abuse, and some might find it might be more beneficial for me to shed light on how these things have affected me, but instead I will choose to unpack my life and think of each memory as a scene out of the movie of my life. Each item is award winning.